The Funny Side of the “Mozart Effect”

A study came out a month or so ago, which I shared with you here, that concluded the infamous Mozart Effect is nothing but hype.

A week or two ago, this email appeared in my inbox that had me laughing out loud. I enjoyed it so much that I thought I’d share it with you. A little humor to get the week rolling.

(NOTE: I can take absolutely no credit for writing this. Nor do I know who originally wrote it or how old it is. But I thought it was funny…and hope you do, too!)

New Findings on “The Mozart Effect”

A recent study has concluded that “The Mozart Effect” is just another charming urban legend.

The bad news for the hip urban professionals: playing Mozart for your designer baby will *not* improve his IQ or help him get into that exclusive pre-school. He’ll just have to get admitted to Harvard some other way.

Of course, we’re all better off for listening to Mozart purely for the pleasure of it. However, one wonders whether, if playing Mozart sonatas for little Madison or Taylor could boost their intelligence, what would happen if other composers were played during the kiddies’ developmental time?

LISZT EFFECT: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important.

BRUCKNER EFFECT: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains reputation for profundity.

WAGNER EFFECT: Child becomes a megalomaniac. May eventually marry his sister.

MAHLER EFFECT: Child continually screams — loudly and at great length –that he’s dying.

SCHOENBERG EFFECT: Child never repeats a word until he’s used all the other words in his vocabulary. Sometimes talks backwards. Eventually, people stop listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to understand him.

IVES EFFECT: The child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.

GLASS EFFECT: The child tends to repeat himself over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

STRAVINSKY EFFECT: The child is prone to savage, guttural and profane outbursts that often lead to fighting and pandemonium in the preschool.

BRAHMS EFFECT: The child is able to speak beautifully as long as his sentences contain a multiple of three words (3, 6, 9, 12, etc.) However, his sentences containing 4 or 8 words are strangely uninspired.

CAGE EFFECT: Child says nothing for 4 minutes, 33 seconds. (Preferred by 10 out of 9 classroom teachers.)

P.S. I’ll be making an announcement on Thursday about a creative arts therapies teleconference I’m involved in next month. Stay tuned!!!

Tagged as: Mozart Effect, music